Believe it or not, wives determine the temperature of our homes. A happy wife makes a happy home. A happy home will most likely produce a peaceful home. Therefore, a wise man would invest in what will bring joy and peace to his wife, and invariably, his home. That is why study about the workings of a woman and what makes her feel loved and happy is never a waste of time, but rather, it pays much dividends, both for now and in the future.
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife…” (1Peter 3:7).
Let’s now examine those things that a man can do to make his wife feel loved:
The wife loves to be accepted for who she is and assured of her beauty and attractiveness. Other women or men can commend her beauty, but the commendations that makes her happy is that of her man – husband. Tell her she’s pretty, lovely and acceptable. Try it. Do it frequently as necessary, and you will see that magic glow of confidence set ablaze all over her face, no matter her real looks and features.
(2) DISCOVER AND SPEAK HER LOVE LANGUAGE
Everyone of us have our love languages; that is, the things that others could do to us, or for us, that would make us feel loved by them. Find out those of your wife.
Gary Chapman enumerates five of them as:
(1) Words of Affirmation;
(2) Quality Time;
(3) Receiving Gifts;
(4) Acts of Service;
(5) Physical Touch.
Some of the problems in our marriages are couples speaking the wrong languages of their partners and feeling frustrated that their spouses were never appreciative or impressed though they were offering their best. For instance, a woman whose love language is spending Quality Time with her, and her husband thinks Receiving Gifts from him is all she needs to feel loved by him, will not feel loved even if her husband buys her a private jet. And so on. So, find out, and with love, speak your wife’s love language.
(3) COURTESY AND RESPECT
Usually, during premarital courtship, the intending couples will accord each other courtesy. In fact, lovers who disrespect themselves are not likely to go so far as getting married. Let the courtship continue after marriage. You opened doors for her and brought the chair out for her to sit during courtship, why not let it continue after marriage? Your wife will appreciate your courtesy and respect. “Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous” (1Pt 3:8).
(4) DEVOTION AND PARTNERSHIP
Wives like devoted husbands. With devotion comes ‘pet’ or call names. This used to be a common scene during courtship days; let it continue into marriage.
Moreover, a wife’s sense of security is hinged on whether her man is united with her for life. She’s always concerned if she is relevant in your life as a love pair, or a team player in your partnership. Give her the assurance of a partner.
(5) WARM EMBRACE
Experienced husbands know that women love to gaze into the eyes of their husbands. This is because the eye carries unspoken eternal messages of love which women are quick to decode. Warm embrace affords this opportunity. So, whenever you come home from work, before you pass comments on kempt or unkempt household, ready or soon to be ready meals, give your wife a warm embrace, or touch her pleasurably with soft and gentle hands; the pleasure is for you both to enjoy.
(6) SURPRISE GIFTS
Many men think it’s when they could afford an expensive gift is when they can gladden the hearts of their wives. No. In fact, a good Christian women would not want the husband to use the money meant for the household to be spent on herself alone. She’s never selfish. The kind of gifts that really sets the woman on, are sometimes, those inexpensive items, offered in love, to appreciate her general kindness, acts of love, care for the members of the family, tireless work at home, etc. Those small gifts have a way of making her feel: “My husband loves and appreciates me”.
(7) GOOD HUMOUR
Women cherish good laughs. Somebody once said we all have something comic about us. It is there in the way we wink the eye, gesticulate or modulate our voices. Men who know how, can turn every incident in the home – good or bad – into some big, laughable joke. It is a healing therapy. Make your wife laugh.
(8) INTEGRITY AND FAITHFULNESS
Morality is paramount in the expectations of a wife from her husband. A lying, cheating, fraudulent and dishonest husband is worse than an impotent man. The woman does not only fear the public ridicule that she is bound to face if her husband’s dubious ways were discovered, she is also concerned about the quality of father her children would have and look up to.
It’s not all women that live only for the present as some men may think, in fact, majority are concerned about the future than about the present. Things may be rosy today, but the woman is concerned about the future, and has many questions running through her mind. ” Supposing my husband dies suddenly, what happens to me and my children? What will my in-laws do, will they throw me and my children out into the street?” Therefore, a woman would like to see that her husband take some precautionary measures against any sudden changes in the welfare of the family. This may be in form of having the wife and children privy to your bank accounts; setting the wife up on a business enterprise; making sure the wife is well known and accepted in the larger extended family; having the wife as ‘next of kin’ in sensitive financial and property documents; and doing everything possible to ensure the happiness of the family should the husband suddenly pass away.
(10) KIND AND HELPING HANDS
To be kind to a wife is not the same thing as giving her gifts. It is neither providing her essential needs for house work: gas cookers, washing machines etc (although, those are commendable). It means to give her a helping hand. This translates into practically joining her, even if for the fun of it, in house chores. This will not only bring the man into the rigours and experiences of the woman in house keeping, but it could also bring real fun of togetherness and strengthen the bond between husband and wife.
(11) STEALING LOOK
Once a while, the husband can let his wife catch him casting a stealing look at her body. This makes a woman very happy. Some men don’t consider their wives pretty or beautiful, hence they practically ignore them. This is not good because no one woman, and this is the truth, is ugly in her own right. In particular, no woman will be so ugly that she would not have a thing or two that excites her man. If a man needs to spend money on better clothing and grooming on the wife, let him do it because she’s all he got. Take a closer look at your wife, you would find something lavishly lovely about her. It could be her hair, her eyes, the way she carries herself, her smooth skin, or her magnetic smile. There’s something to look at in your wife. So, look!
(12) MARITAL LOVEMAKING
Many Christians prefer to shy away from discussing this topic, but if sex is absent or suffering in a marital relationship, every other thing falls to the ground. The Bible says, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (1Cor 7:5). To think that women don’t have sexual urges and desires will be very unfair indeed. Should she ask for it? Why not! Can she ask verbally? Some do, depending on the strength of their relationship. But most women do not. They simply ‘act up’ their desire expecting the husband to decode. It would be wisdom on the part of such a man to get the message and satisfy his wife as if he were the one who needed her at that moment. On the other hand, some wives would rather burn and moan their husbands’ insensitivity, a case which should not be. Therefore, make room for it. Put it among your schedule of ‘must do’s’. It is God’s special gift for the married couples only.
Moreover, make effort to learn the skill of satisfying your wife. Women are wired differently than men. Get good books for necessary enlightenment on the nature and workings of a woman’s body. Learn how to last in order for her to be satisfied. Avoid the use of alcohol or energy drinks that messes up with a man’s biological workings; which could have a negative backfiring effect on his health sooner or later. Learn how to choose your diet; avoid sugary and fast foods, eat more vegetables and other natural foods that can boost your sexual energy to function optimally in the ‘other room’. Bitter cola is a good natural antibiotic and libido mover. Try it and see if it works for you. Generally research on good diet, the result will be worth the effort; not only for performance, but for your overall wellbeing.
It is normal and possible that after some years in marriage, sex with wife would seem to be lacking in fun and excitement as compared with the early days of your union. At such times, what a redeemed child of God should do is not to go seek for sinful sex outside of marriage, but to give yourself a break. Take time off to build your sexual urge (for your wife). Proverbs 27:7 says “The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet”; I hope you understand? So, build self-control, and have a sex fast. Spend time with your wife, explore other areas you two can appreciate and enjoy each other’s company apart from having sexual intercourse. The wife should be careful how she brings up money matters at such times.
So, befriend each other again. Converse. Pat one another in the butt, do some smooching and play with each other. Fantasise about sex with one another, not with other people. Give it a few days or more. Afterwards, come together again for a wonderful, pent-up sexual explosion! The fun and the excitement you desire in your sex life will return again. It works, you try it! And the circle can continue at another time. If we would not commit adultery, the Holy Spirit is there to help us be creative in our marital relationship, so we can be contented within the limits of our marital vows, and remain pure for the Lord’s coming.
(13) NEATNESS AND HYGIENE
It is abnormal for a woman to be dirty and smelling, neither does she like anything dirty or smelling. And in no other person does a woman express her total disgust than in her husband who is habitually dirty and carrying about bad breath. Many men are not aware that the unwilling response they often get from their wives at bed time may not be unconnected with their filth. In fact, no man should be thinking of marriage who has not first and foremost broken with such dirty habits like going about in the morning without washing the mouth, and using the same underwear – pants, singlet etc for more than one or two weeks without washing them, or not taking bath daily. Women like their men neat and clean.
(14) OPENNESS AND PIETY
A wife hates to think of another woman distracting her own husband. But she will fear no hurt nor be bothered about outside threat if her husband had proven piety, loyalty and commitment to her.
Women like their husbands to be open to them even without asking. When the man return home, whether or not the woman verbally asks him about his business and the whereabout he has been, or searches his phone for clues, the fact is, she is eager to know where he has been, those he met – male or female – and what transpired. She is not being jealous as men might think. She simply wants to share in the experiences of her man. Nothing separates a woman from her husband as quickly as light from darkness, as secrecy. Be open. Leave your phone on the table confidently without fear your wife might discover some incriminating things in it. It helps.
(15) PARTNER IN THE TRAINING OF CHILDREN
A wife appreciates a husband who cooperates with her to train the children in the fear of the Lord.
(16) A KNIGHT IN A SHINING ARMOUR
Those who go into marriage expecting no problems and difficulties are not properly informed. There cannot be any such marriages on earth. Problems, whether foreseen or not, will come. Whenever a problem comes, the wife would expect her lord, like a knight he professes to be, to jump up to face up with the invading problem. For a husband to cower in fear like a coward, give excuses and do nothing to defend the family can quench the fire of respect a woman has for her husband. Develop sharp reflexes to problems in the home to gain the admiration of your wife.
Whether by words or actions, offences are bound to come between a husband and his wife. Sometimes, these offences are like the trials Apostle Peter speaks about in his epistle:” That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” (1Pt 1:7). Offences between a man and his wife can positively work to properly adjust the couple, enabling them blend into each other, and thereby strengthening their bond of marriage. A well adjusted husband is like a hard ball. Throw it against a wall, and back it bounces without a dent. So too is a man well natured and refined. He does not suffer permanent injuries from offences in marriage. He knows the rule of give and take. He forgives and forgets offences.
(18) SILENCE ON HER FAILINGS
Many people go into marriage pretending to be angels, and hoping they have found their very like-an-angel. But that is practically impossible on earth. No woman is an angel, nor is any man an angel. We all have our shortcomings and weaknesses due to certain old habits and upbringing. Whatever her failings, the wife hates to hear her man talk so frequently about her weaknesses, worst still, is to do so to a third party. The privacy of marriage is so sacred that it should never be sacrificed on the altar of insensitivity.
(19) A PROVIDER
When a man begins to tie towel on his loin and walking about talking and acting like a woman all day long, he makes his wife unhappy. It is the lot of a man to go to work, or engage in a trade to feed his wife and children as well as fix home appliances when damaged. Whatever the wife does should be in support only, to add up to the provision her man makes. The Bible says, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1Tim 5:8).
A woman’s world is full of health hazards and problems, not like that of a man. Her moments of strength and weaknesses alternate in short spans of time. Very little thing can confuse a woman. Her moods are are never permanent. It is so too with a man. But this is one area where the woman is weaker than the man. A man who knows this should carefully do what we call ‘negotiation’. If she is not too well now, or not in the desired mood to talk, to play, to join in a decision, or do what the husband desires right now, the husband should try to read and understand his wife, and go on to negotiate some other way. The rule always is, wait or postpone. Come back some other time; all shall be well.
(21) A VISIONARY PARTNER
It has been said that a vision-less man will watch a man of vision on the television. Be a man of vision to your wife. Have a mapped out plan for your family’s future. A wife’s confidence and sense of security is beefed up when her man, through God’s help, provides ready answers for her worries. Naturally, a woman tends to worry about what a man may count as trivial. But it helps when a man envisages what might worry his wife and makes some attempt to assuage her fears. For instance, before a child is born in the family, a man should think ahead about the likely needs both for the child and for the mother. Before they are ready for school age, the man should think ahead.
(22) PEACEFUL AND GODLY MAN
Is it true that women generally seek to marry godly men? Some say yes. And they are right to a large extent. A godly husband will do no hurt. Some may say it doesn’t always happen so. That may be true as well, but some women still think it does. In any case, a husband who is totally yielded to God is more likely to be positive, optimistic, hopeful, forward looking, and makes room for so much peace in the home. Besides, the godlier a man is, the less likely he will throw away his marriage vows, abandon his family, or beat his wife. These are crucial concerns to the woman. So, be a friend of God to make your marriage great.
Being a friend of God will empower you to also be the spiritual leader of your home. This will help you lead your family in God’s way – the ultimate plan of God for all Christian homes (Gen 18:19).
(23) ZEALOUS FRIEND AND LOVER
A man should add zeal, enthusiasm, interest or zest to everything he does, including/especially his love life. Be an enthusiastic friend to your wife. Be seen to contest for and manfully win your wife. Women appreciate such zeal and feel most loved by them.
In deed, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. If our homes will be what God designed it to be, a lot of responsibility is with the man and the wife. But much of it lies at the door of the one who God makes to be the head of the family. It was Eve that was deceived in the first family, but the first blame came to the man – her husband. The blame of a dysfunctional family, in God’s view, falls directly on the head of the family – the husband. We know that some wives could be anything but what God intended them to be in the home and to their men; nevertheless, it must be on record that the man does his best as biblically expected to keep his family together. The husband is called to love the wife. Love is sacrifice. Love is selflessness. Love is tolerance. Love is duty (1Corinthians 13).
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Eph 5:25-28).
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; THAT YOUR PRAYERS BE NOT HINDERED” (1 Peter 3:7).
If you are a wife reading this post, I appeal to you, meet your husband halfway if you find him making efforts to be the best that he could be in your marriage. Anger, pride, stubborn arrogance and being excessively lippy will do nothing for your marriage but ruin it. Learn to compromise and be at peace. You won’t always have your way. A husband who does his best in taking care of you and the children deserves nothing but your respect and reference. If you starve him of the respect and reference that he deserves, don’t complain if you don’t get the love and devotion that you crave. That is not to say that the man is justified by retaliatory wrong doing, anyways. The truth is, whatever we do in life (married life inclusive), is like sowing a seed, we get to reap what we sow sooner or later (Gal 6:7). It’s also a life of give and take. Jesus says, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31).
N.B: The post is for all men, including the poster. Through God’s help, we will strive daily to be as perfect as we could possibly be on this side of eternity, in Jesus Name (Phil 3:12).
Inspiration and some citations were drawn from Christian Women Mirror, May 2000 edition.